A Boring Girl’s Guide To Vegas

We recently returned from a weeklong trip to Vegas. Some of you might be thinking: Oy. A week? Way too long, Corianne. Way too long.

But it’s really not, not when you do Vegas like we do Vegas. The only reason it might be too long is because our wallets couldn’t possibly handle another meal (or our waists, for that matter) or another trip to Sephora.

Yes, Sephora. Did you think I was going to say the club?

First of all, we went to Vegas with our best friends Davey & Jess. They have the same goals as we do when we go on vacation: good food and drinks. Good pool. Good sleep. And that’s about it.

The Official Boring Girl’s Guide To Vegas

1) Yelp
Jess and I were on Yelp from the minute we stepped off the plane. We started out trying to find new places to eat, and we ended up trying to beat each other by attaining new badges checking into places we never actually stepped foot in. Oh, you actually thought I went to Hakkasaan, the night club? HAHA. No. We walked by on our way to the room at 9pm, checked-in, and got the “First To The Club” badge. Who’s the loser now, Yelp? It’s a great way for your friends and social media following to think you’re cooler than you actually are.

2) Selfie Sticks
You guys. EVERYONE has them in Vegas. Like, everyone. They sell them at the ABC Store, for goodness sake. When they started coming about a couple years ago, I was so embarrassed for the people that whipped them out, but now you’re actually a loser if you DON’T have a Selfie Stick. So, we bought one in Vegas and used that bad boy until we got on the plane to head home.

You know how amazing the hotels smell in Vegas? We found the spot to really BASK in the glory that is “hotel perfume” (it’s a thing, guys, look it up). When we stepped off the elevator and into the hallway to head to our room, there was a particular air-conditioning vent that pumped out the scent so strongly… It may or may not have been the single source for the monstrosity that is the MGM Grand. And we may or may not have stood there like idiots, just breathing in the smell and trying to memorize it. Go to the 4th floor of the MGM, and take an immediate left down the hallway for room 414. You’ll know when you’re there. That glorious smell hits you like a brick wall.

4) Coffee, Breakfast, Pre-Lunch, Lunch, Snack, Pre-Dinner, Dinner, Post-Dinner, Late Night Snack. This was the meal schedule each day, and y’all… We learned how to do it right. He’s a sample of our daily menu. And we walked it off each day, so – no guilt. (We probably should have had some guilt, but you know… Vacation).

Coffee: Grande iced coffee from Starbucks on the way to the pool
Breakfast: Fries
Pre-Lunch: Sushi on the way back to the room
Lunch: A salad or a sandwich or pizza, usually once BACK at the room
Snack: More fries
Pre-Dinner: Lobster Rolls from Todd English PUB
Dinner: Brisket Nachos from Guy Fieri’s
Post-Dinner: Cupcake from Sprinkles or a burger from Shake Shack
Late Night Snack: Sushi, again
5) Buffet
This one is self-explanatory. But do your research… Only rookies go to the first buffet they come across, or the one at their hotel by default.
6) Solicitors
Have some fun. You know those people that try to sell you on a “free show”, and you only need to sign over a promissory note to give them your first born? Try telling them you’re not interested because you have IBS and can’t sit through a full show. Or that you have Tourettes and are currently banned from the theatre at the MGM because of the last time you went. It’s fun – the more inappropriate you get, the more exciting it is. One lady literally stopped her pitch to say: “EW!” to Jessica. I can’t even repeat what Jessica’s excuse was, but it was gross and that lady literally turned away from us and onto her next prey. We got snubbed by a Vegas solicitor.
7) Sephora
Ladies, go buy a new lipstick or 10. Because it’s Vegas, and everyone needs to try colors they probably couldn’t pull off at home when they’re on vacation.
8) Midnight Sushi
Wash off your makeup, put on sweats, leave your husbands in the room watching Sportscenter, and run across the strip to the only sushi joint open at that hour. Make friends with the Sushimaster (?) and the bartender, eat your Spider Roll after the Sushimaster shows your Asian friend how to use chopsticks, and talk about the Seahawks (because evvvvvveryone in Vegas wants to talk about the Seahawks when you’re also wearing a Seattle hat).
9) Penny Slots
Take $20 and GO TO TOWN. Jess and I found that the candy, jewel, and Superwoman-themed machines did the best. Don’t do the Ellen Degeneres machines, they are terrible. And don’t get mad when a little old lady runs over and yells at you for taking her machine when there is literally nothing of hers on said machine. Just move to the machine next to her, win the jackpot, and gloat silently.
10) Get To Know Your Cab Drivers
Unless they try to kill you coming home from Old Town, taking corners at 70 MPH and tailgating all the cars on the freeway. Then you should probably report them.
11) The Laundry Room
In Old Town, there is a bar named Commonwealth that is way too young for us. I’m talking loud rap music and omg the headache. But we went there because someone told us about a super-secret hidden spot called The Laundry Room that is only available by physical request… you ask the bartender at Commonwealth, and they give you a clothespin with a phone number on it, without saying a word. You’re to text the number and if they have a spot, they will get you in. You wait in a designated area, and they come out to get you. If not, you’re out of luck. The phone number changes all the time, and if you are lucky enough to get a reservation, don’t you dare be late. We got in, and it was amazing. They read you the rules before you enter (no photos, no phone calls, no loud conversations). It’s a prohibition-style speakeasy, and it’s fun and glam and SO different from what you’d expect out of Vegas. I soaked it in, and then made a vow to blog about it… so, go visit. And have some of the jalapeno popcorn for me.